Today is definitely one of those days that I feel so much conflict over so many things, it's truly difficult to put into words what I'm feeling.
You know, specially considering that I want to post things on Bluesky that aren't easy to explain or clear enough to pass on for just 280 or so characters.
So, finally time to start posting here? I still haven't made a proper banner for this place, but I guess this will do for now.
So, what's this all about?
First of all, at the beginning of everything? I don't even know who the hell I am anymore. Like, in the dreaded real life, I know I am... not in a good position, physically speaking. Am I finally trying to regularize my healthcare and maybe lose some weight? Perhaps.
I'm also in a serious identity crisis, in that here, over the wonderful anonymity of the internet, I'm always going through one or another identity crisis.
I only made Sirius because I wanted a SFW account exclusive for streaming. Can you believe that that was the entire idea behind making them?
I still have Riley to thank for that design, Sirius is the cutest lil kobl and I'd never be able to do something as amazing as that design, truly.
Look at how adorable this kobold is.
Anyways.
This is the feeling I get when I'm watching other people find out more about their identity and the happiness I feel in their voice. It is a very positive experience and I love it, and all the power to everyone that has the courage to go through that line.
In real life? I'm not half as courageous to even represent half of what I feel. I think the internet could help, and I could absolutely take some baby steps that direction if I felt really necessary, but... isn't it like, appropriation of a struggle?
If the question is "am I a trans person?", I don't think I can give you a... ahem, straight answer.
Please don't throw things at me :P
I'm definitely jealous though. Jealous of, like, the stupidest things, such as vtubers with adorable avatars and anime girls.
Jealous of friends that can feel comfortable in their own bodies and skin and within themselves, or at least are trying to do so. And I honestly don't know how much of this is body dysmorphia or gender dysphoria.
You know, body dysmorphia from my chronic health issues, from the dozens of tiny scars, and the discolorated skin, and the permanent pain that I live in due to my weight and my perpertual inflammed state.
Or the gender dysphoria from not really ever relating to myself and only conforming because although my family is very supportive and I wouldn't have a fraction of what I have today if it wasn't for them, I also know that the instant I don't present myself as a cisgender and straight (or at most bisexual) man, I'd lose the only safety net I have in an instant.
It fucking sucks that I fear even talking about this with my partner for more than a decade, that is here for literally everything, and that I quite honestly owe my life and my happiness to, because I'm just too anxious to even approach my identity beyond "bisexual cis man".
What could I do to help with that?
I've been checking Vgen a few times per week, just looking at their premade Live2D models that people offer at - quite honestly, extremely and kinda worrisome - accessible prices.
The thought of "what if I streamed with an anime girl avatar?" keeps repeating hard every single time I do so.
Then I remember the talks I'd have to have with my bun regarding the idea. Funnily? I think it wouldn't be any big deal, I've been using more feminine avis in Second Life than my own lately (although I haven't been using the game at all these last months).
And that my voice is weirdly deep, albeit very squeaky and high-pitched when I'm screaming excitedly about a game or whatever else I'm talking about.
I don't even have the money to do something like this, but you know, this is extremely tempting.
Sirius, have you done an entire blog post just to link the cheap premade anime girl Live2D avatar in hopes that someone reads this and gift you the model so you have no excuses to not give it a try and maybe push you into knocking against that hard shell that may or may not exist confining you in this current genderfuckery position that you are on?
.... hmmmm, perhaps~